Hanging On To Convictions

Image by Pixabay.

My first attempt at a 100K was the inaugural 100km edition of the Sundown Ultra Marathon.

With months of emotional burnout from a declining career though, a good deal of willpower had been wrecked —  I did not finish the race. At slightly lesser than the halfway mark, I called it quits in the late night, at an aid station at Pasir Ris Park.

My heart was just not with the effort. I had to wake up the following morning filled with palpable regrets. This was about 12 years ago.

The demons of my 2011 DNF had since been put to rest. I later completed several events of 100km or more in distance, many of these technically harder than the Sundown Ultra.

While an unsettled business that I don’t feel the urge to resolve (anyway, the 100km Sundown format seems to have ceased being an annual race sometime before the mid-2010s), the DNF left me with a failure by which I can measure and judge my later successes. Particularly, when it comes to mental race fitness, I am stronger today than the person I was in 2011.

The same can be said about my mentality towards training. I may be unmotivated to run today, but as long as my conviction stands, the routine continues. Had a lousy day at work yesterday? Doesn’t matter. Feet out, sweat it off, log the mileage in. At 5.30am, whatever the case.   

I was reminded again of this growth of my mental conditioning after my latest 100km+. Like in 2011, my mind was not in good shape earlier this month. Still, I ran my own ultra (and not an official event with the complete range of race support), despite feeling emotionally drained.

I could have stopped the whole thing, as I slowed to a walk at 11km+. Well, maybe my body and mind ain’t into it. I can always do it another day.

Except, knowing that this run would end in less than 24 hours — and I can justifiably enjoy an onsen bath at Kallang Wave Mall — I was driven to make the best use of the day by finishing it. Oh, the morning downpour also helped invigorate my senses.

The run was done more than 16 hours later.

Certainly, the notion of long, hard work rewarded by a dopamine rush can keep a person through the entire effort. However, this alone may not suffice. We require something stronger than promised pleasure: that is, conviction. Unless you have a firm belief behind any long-term endeavour, the journey will not last.  

Conviction can partly explain my ability to handle 60km weekly mileages almost consecutively for the past years. On many days, in fact, motivation to step out of the door is suboptimal. I also have been much desensitised to the runner’s high. But I went for my daily weekday runs anyway.

I did so because I believe in what I’m doing: that maintaining discipline prepares me for the big battle ahead; that all those mornings on the road translate into fitness gains and a state of health more robust than most people my age; that committing to the routine elevates bits of my self-esteem and solidifies my reason for existence.

In this manner of exercising my beliefs, I have cultivated a larger impetus to complete the longer, harder stuff. As it reminds me what failure feels like, conviction also counsels me to finish the job and not give up.

From that point on, nothing can stop me.