Long is the way And hard, that out of Hell leads up to light.
- John Milton
10 May 2010, Monday, after 1900hrs
My energy had already been depleted since the 10km mark. As I struggled to keep myself forward, I'm not feeling any fine.
Today's clearly not a good day for a run.
The worst part is that there's another 8km to go. This is definitely one of my most miserable moments as a runner.
It could have been the inadequate lunch this afternoon. Or the weeks of long-distance training which had finally drained my body of critical resources. Regardless what, burnout is just a matter of time. I only started regular training on late March this year.
I should have taken more days to recover but it didn't seem rational (at least to me) not to run tonight. This run I'm doing now is my rest. Rest from work, rest from pressure, rest from all those spirits of uncertainties.
I need a break badly.
For it's been hell for months as I worked overnights, struggling to improve my animation skills to standards seemingly beyond my grasp. Failure means I would not qualify for the team which will be involved in the debut episode of my studio's TV series project and I don't want to be left out. My concerns had however, become my source of misery which ironically triggered my personal running boom in the midst of a career crisis.
Yet here I am, hobbling like a crippled dog along Jalan Bukit Merah, out of strength, out of luck and almost out of hope. I'm being tested for everything I'm made of. Right now, though, I felt like rubber. Can I survive long enough to, at least, reach the end point at City Hall before I collapsed from total exhaustion?
I can't be sure if I can complete this 21km route tonight. Or if my career will miraculously be saved from disaster in the next few months. Stream of thoughts weaved through my mind as I wearily trod along the pavement. Can I accept the newcomers to be better, even to the point of replacing me? Or forgive one of my leads (short for a leader of a studio department) for the insensitive comments and decisions he made? Can I face reality and endure the pain? Like what I'm doing now as I stay committed to the goal?
In these humbling moments, life lessons are learned.
By June, my career as an animator would come to a painful conclusion. But for now, career is a secondary concern.
I just want to finish this dammed run.
"Failure means I would not qualify for the team which will be involved in the debut episode of my studio's TV series project and I don't want to be left out."
ReplyDeleteTerz, I disagree! To me, failure is an attitude not an outcome! If you didn't qualify and be beaten by it, that is failure. But, if you walk out from not qualifying and keep pressing on - you've not failed because this "failure" is only going to be count towards your journey of success. :) Borrowing a Chinese proverb, 'failure is the mother of success'! And already I think it's greaaaattt how you've found the joy in 'running' in the midst of your current 'storm' - consider that a blessing! Too many people dragged themselves through life without finding a single thing they are joyful about. :) Be encouraged!